I say yes too much, I take on more than I can handle and I deeply fear disappointing anyone. I get enthusiastic and very easily and say yes without thinking or asking any questions. I try to learn to say no, to draw boundaries and to prioritize myself. The past two weekends I've been taking an intensive with Amy Sigil and it dawned on me that I need to learn to say yes... to me. The only person I keep saying no to is myself.

I overthink and question everything, every idea, every music choice, every attempt at creating a choreography. Nothing is good enough and I end up with having to go on stage and improvise, because I got stuck in thinking mode and my process did not get out of my head and into my body. But performing is still fun, so I feel good about it for a while, until I see the film and only see flaws. I see myself thinking on what I should do next and my technique and expression is suffering for it.

At times I'm ready to just give up, why do performances when I just don't get any better at it. But fortunately I have an amazing community that continuously inspire and encourage me to keep moving and to share the love for this artform. The most visible impression of The Stygian Collective is the incredible talent of these badass performers, but the really important part is behind the scenes; the love, support and inspiration. A safe place to grow, wherever in your journey that you are. A place to be vulnerable and accepted for you, just as you are.

The Ascension 2021 is over, but I'm still in awe, struggling to find words for how much I admire and adore my dance family. How they make my life better and how much I appreciate the opportunities they have given me and how they believe in me when I don't. They are saying yes to me and now it's time for me to learn to say yes as well.

I have one more weekend of the S.I.G.I.L. intensive and I'm so excited to see where this journey will be taking me. Thank you Amy for sharing your yes with me, it really means a lot to me.

A sneak peek from my Metropolis burlesque improv, live streamed at the Ascension gala show.

I do have some good bits to save for the creation of a proper choreography.

The headdress was created by Sarah Burchill - artisan of the weird and wondrous.

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So I have this very, very special dress. 1. It's made from Assuit, an Egytian fabric with little metal pieces put in to create patterns. 2. It was expertly sewn together by highly skilled creator Sarah Burchill to fit me exactly. 3. I used it for the 50th anniversary tour of Bal Anat in Stockholm, London and Brussels.

I have been searching for it EVERYWHERE and I've been so upset that it's gone! "Ah.. I see you have a hand in your pot there" you say? Yes, you're absolutely right. I walked through the hallway and on an impulse I stuck my hand down into the pot. Putting the dress there was a kind of logical choice as I made it for the Pot Dance in Bal Anat (yes, water pots, what did you think it was?). But if you have a seriously dysfunctional memory logic doesn't always help.

Bal Anat in Brussels. Photo by J-M Schneider.

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Updated: Sep 9, 2020

Searching for something, but I'm not sure what... It's basically the story of my life, always looking for change, always struggling with consistency.

I've recently turned 40 and for the first time in my life I'm medicating my ADD to help me function better. The good parts are a feeling of a little more control. My relationship to food have become more relaxed and healthy (I'll not bore you with the details but please feel free to ask if you wan't to hear more about it). A huge frustration in dance has always been my difficulty to learn choreography and I'm noticing an improvement.

The bad part is that, I'm still "me". A little better focus does not help much when I'm having huge difficulties working from home or getting started. Structure is the key and it always seems to illude me. I plan, make lists and set goals and then I end up running around scrambling to sort out details last minute because I tried doing everything at once. In theory I know what I should do - smaller steps. But I tend to feel the small steps are not good enough! If I suggest jogging and hubby says "no, but how about a walk?" I may very well think that's not enough of a workout and just skip the whole thing. Not good enough is also the reason I almost never finish choreographies.

During the fall I will not be teaching, I'll focus on my own development as a performer. I've been frustrated for a long time, feeling that I'm stuck and don't get any better. Practice is a very important part, but discussing is very helpful to get out of my head and find new inspiration to get moving. Three very insightful and inspiring people that I've been talking a lot with lately is Mana, Elnaz and Maria and it feels very special to create a live show together with them in less than two weeks. I'm totally stressing out about the technical bits that I don't have full control over yet, but I'm also happy and excited!

Photo by: Elnaz

So if you would happen to read this and wonder, what's this blog going to be about... well, I'm not sure yet. For now it's mostly for me, another way to structure my thoughts. But as always, I'm welcome any feedback and suggestions with open arms. Would be a lot of fun to write about something that could be interesting for someone else as well!

Until next time - lots of love and Corona safe virtual kisses.

#firstpost #development #reflections

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