I say yes too much, I take on more than I can handle and I deeply fear disappointing anyone. I get enthusiastic and very easily and say yes without thinking or asking any questions. I try to learn to say no, to draw boundaries and to prioritize myself. The past two weekends I've been taking an intensive with Amy Sigil and it dawned on me that I need to learn to say yes... to me. The only person I keep saying no to is myself.
I overthink and question everything, every idea, every music choice, every attempt at creating a choreography. Nothing is good enough and I end up with having to go on stage and improvise, because I got stuck in thinking mode and my process did not get out of my head and into my body. But performing is still fun, so I feel good about it for a while, until I see the film and only see flaws. I see myself thinking on what I should do next and my technique and expression is suffering for it.
At times I'm ready to just give up, why do performances when I just don't get any better at it. But fortunately I have an amazing community that continuously inspire and encourage me to keep moving and to share the love for this artform. The most visible impression of The Stygian Collective is the incredible talent of these badass performers, but the really important part is behind the scenes; the love, support and inspiration. A safe place to grow, wherever in your journey that you are. A place to be vulnerable and accepted for you, just as you are.
The Ascension 2021 is over, but I'm still in awe, struggling to find words for how much I admire and adore my dance family. How they make my life better and how much I appreciate the opportunities they have given me and how they believe in me when I don't. They are saying yes to me and now it's time for me to learn to say yes as well.
I have one more weekend of the S.I.G.I.L. intensive and I'm so excited to see where this journey will be taking me. Thank you Amy for sharing your yes with me, it really means a lot to me.
A sneak peek from my Metropolis burlesque improv, live streamed at the Ascension gala show.
I do have some good bits to save for the creation of a proper choreography.
The headdress was created by Sarah Burchill - artisan of the weird and wondrous.